Dying Inside
by KonohaFox
Summary: Suicide. Shouyou had to watch it all over again, how is own father was run over by a train. It was already more then six years ago, but Hinata was still struggling with the aftermath of his father's suicide. Pretending to be a sunshine is not going to work forever, but telling everybody is not easy either.
1. I

_*hits herself for writing this* I'm so fucking sorry. I saw a post on Tumblr and somehow this was what came out of my computer... Please forgive me. _

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><p><strong>Chapter One<strong>

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><p>Shouyou could hear himself panting as he tried to catch up with the man in the front of him. He wanted to tell the man to stop, he had the feeling something terrible was about to happen.<br>Shouyou stopped running when he felt something cold touching his skin, it was snowing. Little snowflakes twirled down and and melted when they came in contact with his skin. But that wasn't the only reason Shouyou stopped. The sky suddenly turned red, crimson red. Everything else was black now and Shouyou could hear the bells of the railway crossing ringing. His eyes widened.

In the front of him was a boy sitting in the snow, screaming in terror without a voice. A young boy, about the age of nine with the same red hair as Shouyou. It was Shouyou and suddenly he understood what his young self was screaming. He understood why he had been screaming and he heard it. Suddenly.  
>"Daddy!" the voice of the young boy pierced through his head and it had sounded in utter terror, angst and extreme fear, "Daddy!" the man who had been running in the front of him, was his own father.<p>

The older Shouyou wanted to scream too, because he finally understood what the father of his young self was about to do. He had seen the same thing years ago and he didn't want to see it again. He did not want his young self to end in the same kind of despair he had felt at that time. At the same familiar scene.

Shouyou reached out his head, "Father!" he screamed, but he was voiceless. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he screamed, his voice wouldn't come out.

Shouyou was standing on the track. When he stared at his left, he could see his younger self screaming, crying. Behind him was standing the same man, his father. Shouyou had a chance now, he was fast enough to―

There was a bright, white light in the front of him. The train was already there, Shouyou was too late, again. His younger self couldn't bring out a scream anymore and his father didn't move from the track. _Why?_ Shouyou thought. _Why isn't he moving?_

_The train!_

Shouyou was standing next to the track again, next to his younger self and watched how the train rushed into their father. Blood spattered on their clothes and Shouyou understood once more what happened. He wasn't actually there and yet he had to watch it, again.

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><p>Gasping for air, Shouyou woke up from his dream. His bedsheets were drained with his sweat and once again, his cheeks were wet from his own tears. It hadn't been a nightmare, it just had been a mere recap of his own memory. Ever since he saw the accident, the same scene has repeated itself over and over again. Merciless.<p>

The redhead stared at his alarm clock. It was about six in the morning. He should get ready and race to school before Kageyama Tobio would, but for once the decoy didn't care about beating Kageyama. He only wanted this endless nightmare to stop. Yet he slowly rose from his bed and stumbled to the bathroom.

The cold water was refreshing on his skin. When he looked up into the mirror, he was greeted by a pair of dull amber colored eyes, his eyes. His face was pale and he had dark bags under his eyes. There was no way anyone would believe he was alright in this state. Shouyou's hands searched for a small, transparent orange container with a white lid. He found it― still half filled with the white pills he was ordered to take everyday to keep his mood up― the antidepressants.

The boy took two, dressed himself in his uniform. His eyes caught the weekend bag in the corner of his room. Then it hit him, they had a training-camp today until Sunday. Shouyou sighed and threw the container with pills in his bag together with a toothbrush and toothpaste. He wasn't exactly looking forward to today. His first training-camp had been fun, but that was when he didn't had nightmares about his dad's suicide action.

But he didn't want his team mates to worry about him so he had no other choice than going to that camp. The redhead grabbed his bag and went down for breakfast. His mother was already waiting for him with breakfast. The small woman greeted him with her sweet and casual smile, "Good morning dear," she said with her soft and loving voice, "did you sleep well?"

Shouyou just nodded and sat down on his chair, "Yeah," he muttered, "but I'm still exhausted from practice yesterday."  
>Hinata Mako was a small woman in her late thirties. She had shoulder length, messy dark brown hair with bangs at the sides. Her eyes had the same amber shade of brown as her son, but they shined a lot more than Shouyou's.<p>

"Are you not overworking yourself?" she asked while she scooped a fried egg on her plate, "I know you love volleyball a lot, but please contain yourself a little. It's not good for your health if you go that far."

Shouyou sighed and started his breakfast, "Of course mom!" he smiled between his bites, "Besides, I also have to put more time in studying, so I don't think it will happen."

"Are you sure you know what studying is?"

"Shh!" Shouyou hissed, "Of course I know what it is! I'm just not that good at it..."

Mako smiled at her son. He sure had grown up. Shouyou had always been especially childish for his age, but it had changed when his father died in a suicide action. The young boy grew a depression and became dull. It had been painful to see him like that, but when he went into therapy and got his medicine a lot of things changed. Shouyou wasn't as dull anymore and his childish personality seemed to be back, but yet there were times that he still was that dull and sad child from back then.

"Shouldn't you hurry up?" Mako asked when Shouyou's plate was still half full, "Morning practice starts at seven right? If you don't go now, you'll be too late."

The redhead nodded and scooped the rest of his breakfast in his mouth, "Awight," he murmured while grabbing his bag, "I'm foff."

"Have fun on the camp!" Mako called behind him, "If there goes something wrong, just call me!"

"Yeff―" was there from Shouyou.

A second later, the door closed behind him and Mako sighed. He still wasn't over his depression. He still took those pills, but didn't went to therapy anymore. She wondered if there was going to be a time Shouyou would smile like he once did, because all of his smiles seemed forced.

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><p>"Oi," it was the familiar sound of Kageyama's voice. He was pissed-off, "you're late. Did something happen on your way to school?" he demanded.<p>

Shouyou threw his bag on the ground of the clubroom and started undressing himself. He was too late, five minutes to be exact and the others already left to the gym. The redhead glanced over to Kageyama's side. He couldn't help but notice the slight sound of worry in his voice.

"Of course not!" Hinata barked, "I just overslept today, that's all." it wasn't a lie, technically, but it felt wrong.

Kageyama wasn't buying the answer he got. Shouyou could read it from his face, "That's a lame excuse," Kageyama groaned, "It's especially weak coming from you since you always try to beat me."

"I really did," Hinata murmured and he pulled his shirt of. On the moment he exposed his bare chest, Kageyama turned around and placed his stuff carefully away, "Why did you wait for me anyway?" the decoy asked.

"I did not!" Kageyama yelled and he looked up. His face was flushing bright red and his pupils were small. Busted, "I offered to lock up after you arrived!"

They were the only two left in the clubroom. Kageyama was the only one left in the clubroom when Shouyou arrived and the setter had denied the fact that he had been waiting for Hinata to come. Even though he greeted by a punch, Hinata couldn't help but feel a little flattered.

Hinata grinned and walked towards the door, "You were worried, weren't you?"

"I was not!"

"Never mind that," Shouyou sighed. Kageyama was too embarrassed to admit it anyway, "Let's go to the gym before they'll scold us."  
>"They'll scold you, not me," Kageyama hissed, "You were the one who was too late, I just waited for you," he rose up from the ground and left the club room before Shouyou. He hadn't noticed his mistake, "Hurry up dumbass, I've got to lock up."<p>

Hinata grinned and rushed outside. He usually faked his mood into a cheerful one, but there were moments like these he truthfully felt happy. He hadn't felt this warm and soft feeling in his stomach for a long time, and it was nice to feel like it.  
>When Kageyama opened the door of the gym with a rattling sound, ten minutes after seven, the team already had set up the nets, balls and were doing stretch exercises. They looked up when the duo entered and closed the door behind them.<br>"Sorry I'm to late!" Shouyou heard his voice echoing through the space. He was afraid he would indeed be scold like Kageyama told him, but it didn't happen. Instead, Sugawara and Sawamura ordered the team to keep doing their exercises while they checked up with the duo.

"Ah Hinata, you're here!" Suga smiled while he patted the shoulder of his junior, "Thanks for waiting for him, Kageyama." he added.

"Are you feeling alright?" Daichi asked with a concerned face, "It's not like you to be late. Usually, you and Kageyama are the first here."

Shouyou nodded. He had expect that his seniors would be concerned about him since it wasn't likely he'd be late. But Hinata had no intention of telling them what happened to him in the past, if he did that, they'd only be more concerned about him. Maybe they wouldn't even allow him to play in his current state.

"I'm fine," he told them, "I just overslept."

The last one was not a lie. The first one, in fact, was a lie. He wasn't fine at all.

"Well, just go warm yourselves up with the others. We're gonna start with receiving today." Daichi patted their shoulders and walked back to the team, followed by Sugawara.  
>"Make sure you don't overwork yourself, Hinata!"<p>

Shouyou nodded and followed his upper class men. He could feel Kageyama's gaze stinging in his back, clearly not convinced and decoy could swear he heard a soft, "Dumbass." behind him.

Practice was rather a mess, an unusual mess. Hinata wasn't able to spike all of Kageyama's tosses and Kageyama was more irritated than usual. After a while Kageyama was forced by their captain to practice with Azumane and Tanaka while Hinata had to practice with Sugawara. But even that didn't seem to help. In the end, Hinata was ordered to sit through the rest of practice and watch. It wasn't going to work at this rate and he knew it. He didn't even complain when he was sent off the court.

Hinata wondered what it was like. To smile with a honest smile, one that wasn't affected by pills, one that wasn't forced to look good. He couldn't even remember when the last time was he smiled a honest and pure smile. He must have been nine at that time, before the night his father ended his own life.  
>The days after father's suicide had been horrible. Shouyou remembered his mother crying, holding Natsu tight, the little girl wasn't even a year old. He remembered family coming over and more farther relatives he had never heard off.<p>

After the funeral, Hinata's mind had changed into a haze. He barely remembered anything from the period afterwards. He remembered crying in his bed, his mothers hand stroking his back when he was throwing up once again. When he came back to his senses, he was already thirteen years old and diagnosed with depression. He completely turned to volleyball and horrible thoughts overflowed his mind. The thought of taking his own life had crossed his mind more than just one time. Sometimes he really thought he'd be better of dead, but he couldn't let his mother cry the way she did back then and he couldn't give up on his little sister who never had a father caring for her.

And the he met Kageyama Tobio. Even though his name meant "Shadowed Mountain", he had been a light in Hinata's life. In order to surpass his rival, he had to become strong. Not just physically, but also mental.

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><p>His breathing was out of pace. The sweat dripped down his neck into his sweater, but it wasn't hot in the classroom. The nerves flew through his stomach and with every time his name was called, he felt a weird tingling feeling that made him feel uneasy. It killed him, more sweat dripped from his face and it stung behind his eyes. He needed to get away. He needed to cry.<p>

Shouyou stared around. Everyone in his class was scribbling down the notes while the teacher explained that you calculate a formula of a proportionality. Something like delta y divided by delta x. Shouyou didn't care, nor did he understand it. He just needed to get away.

"Miss...?" he slowly rose his hand and interrupted the teacher in the middle of a sentence, "Can I go use the restroom?"

Without waiting for an answer, he stood up and stumbled towards the door, bumping into a desk before finally reaching the door. He didn't listen to the calls of his teacher. He mumbled a quick "Sorry," back and hurried to the restroom.

The tears were already dripping down his face. He quickly opened the door the the restroom and didn't hesitate to lock himself up in one of the stalls. Shouyou didn't need to worry about someone who could hear him, after all, it was during classes and most teachers didn't allow people to go to the restroom during class.

"...fuck..." the word slipped past his tongue without much thinking, "Fuck..."

He couldn't stop the tears anymore. The tears dripped from his eyes to his chin and then dropped on the floor of the stall. There was no stopping it. The tears wouldn't stop coming.  
>´Crying's gonna make me feel better, hûh?´ that were words of Shouyou's therapist, ´Bullshit.´ Shouyou felt like crap.<p>

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><p>It had taken ten minutes exactly for Hinata to get himself under control again, before he could go to the classroom and excuse his behavior. When he told the teacher that his stomach was just upset, she glanced at him worriedly. She apparently knew something, but it didn't bug Hinata. After all, his mother had told the direction about his past so the teachers should know something as well.<p>

"Hinata, are you already feeling better?"

Shouyou jumped and turned around. It was Sugawara who spoke behind him with a rather worried undertone in his voice. Of course.

"I'm fine!" Hinata beamed. He was not, "I was just a little tired back then, nothing to worry about!" all lies.

Sugawara didn't seem to believe him and neither did Kageyama, who was standing behind his fellow setter, "Are you sure?" Sugawara asked and placed a comforting hand on the redhead's shoulder, "You looked pretty stressed out this morning. I don't think it's a good idea to participate with practice today."

Hinata felt his eyes widen, "But I said I was-"

"I already talked about it with Daichi and he agrees with me. You're not standing on the court today."

These words were supposed to hit him like a wrecking ball, right? These words were supposed to make him feel angry and misjudged, but somehow, Hinata didn't feel like that. To his surprise he actually found himself agreeing with the vice captain and he gained an even more worried glance from the other setter on the other end of the room.

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><p><strong>...<strong>

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><p><strong>S<strong>_o how was it? I never wrote something as depressing like this. Sure I wrote something pretty dark of Inazuma Eleven, but this beats everything on the depression area. I hope I will update this anytime soon, but the chance is pretty small since I'm a good procrastinator.  
>Well, I'm gonna do my best on the writing part! See you in the next chapter!<em>


	2. II

_*throws schoolbooks out of window* So I finally managed to finish my German assigment just one hour before the deadline. Now I can write again! This chapter is a bit of a mess. I kinda messed up, I think. _

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><p><strong>Chapter Two<strong>

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><p><em>"You know, it's like I'm walking behind people. You're tripping, you're falling, you're bleeding. You reach out for them to help you, but they don't turn around. You scream for them to help you, but they don't turn around. You can scream over and over again, but you're voiceless. Nobody can hear you, no matter how loud you scream."<em>

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><p>Hinata Shouyou was acting weird, everyone had noticed by now. Every time someone asked if he was feeling alright, he always told he was fine, but you could clearly see he was lying. Karasuno first thought it was better not to make a big issue about it, but Kageyama had disagreed. He had noticed something was off after a few weeks into the school year. Hinata had made a big fuss about their first training-camp and avoided Kageyama at the weirdest moments. When he asked Hinata what on earth was wrong, the boy had simply replied with a ´It's nothing!´ and dashed away, but Tobio saw it. Tobio saw it in his eyes, the terrible look from someone who was screaming for help. Someone who really needed help.<p>

That's why Kageyama had disagreed with staying out of Hinata's business, but in order to keep appearances, he decided to play along with the team. He did pay a little more attention to the (not so) shiny spiker in the end. Even though Kageyama had no idea what on earth was happening, he did know he had to help. Hinata needed something or someone to hold on to while he was trying to fix his problem and Tobio didn't care what it was.

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><p>"Hinata is acting off, isn't he?" Yachi handed him a towel and glanced over at the redhead in the corner of the gym. Kageyama took the towel from her and shook his head.<br>"I know," he answered, "I tried to figure out what was going on, but he's not coming to his senses." he explained while he wiped his face. The towel was soft, fluffy and comforting. Kageyama wanted twenty.

"Hmhm..." Yachi nodded, "I asked him a little earlier, but he just changed the subject as if I never ask anything! Honestly, he's getting on my nerves... but I can't help but sensing something wrong around him. I'm worried."

Tobio sighed and fetched a volleyball from the ground, "I know. The others are worried too, but I don't think they sense something off about him as we do..." his voice died in his throat when he saw Hinata looking at them. The redhead waved at them.

"You too...?" Yachi suddenly remembered this morning, when Kageyama had waited for the little spiker. He practically insisted he'd wait for him instead of someone else. Suddenly it made sense. Kageyama knew that Hinata would get uncomfortable with his other teammates and didn't want them to annoy Hinata with the same questions he asked. The idea was somewhat possessive, but it made sense. So far Hitoka knew, Hinata only trusted Kageyama a hundred percent.

She couldn't help but smile a bit and she was somewhat jealous of their friendship, although they would always deny it themselves.

"A-ah, give me your towel! Daichi wants to start again!" hastily she pulled the towel out of Kageyama's hands and skipped back to the sidelines where Shimizu was waiting for her. She sat down on the ground and opened her own water bottle, "The team is doing well today, don't you think?" Shimizu asked softly. Yachi nodded happily and took a sip from her drink.

"Yes, but it's a shame Hinata's not feeling well... I'd love to see him in action again." she pondered and her eyes traveled over to the other side of the court where Hinata was sitting. He was still in his school uniform and his face was wearing the most pissed-off look Hitoka had ever seen in her life.

"It must be awful to sit out and watch your team play..." murmured Shimizu after she had seen Yachi's gaze, "...I'd be-"

She cut off and stared at Hinata as well. The little guy suddenly stood up, hid his face in his hand and rushed out of the door, bumping into it first.

Yachi stared at the place where Hinata left before shouting: "Hinata!" after him. Behind her she heard Daichi saying some unclear words to Sugawara and the rest of the team. Probably that they should leave Hinata alone for now so he could clear his head, but Kageyama hadn't agreed.

"Kageyama!" Suga shouted when the other setter suddenly dashed after his rival, "You should leave him alone! He needs some time!"

But both Yachi and Kageyama knew that time was the last thing Hinata needed.

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><p><em>Screaming. It's not like anyone will hear you, right? It's not like anyone will turn around and help you, right?<em>

Hinata dried his face with the fluffy towel and stared at his own reflection in the mirror. Somehow, he didn't look as horrible as before. That was great, at least captain wouldn't ask questions. Not that they did, Shouyou started to wonder if they even noticed something was off.

That was what he wanted right? He wanted to be heard by his teammates, he wanted them to notice he was depressed and desperately searching for help, but he didn't want them to find out at the same time. What would they do when they found out? Would they find it pathetic? Would they laugh at him? He knew they wouldn't, and yet his mind kept telling him they would.

_They don't give a shit._

They did.

_No, they don't. It's just you making it up._

I'm making you-

"Hinata!" Shouyou's thoughts were cut off by the voice of the rough setter, "Hinata!" he panted.

The redhead looked up and wiped the remaining tears from is face, pretending it was just the water from the sink, "What's wrong, Kageyama?" damn it, his voice cracked. Kageyama only rose his eyebrows.

"I wanted to know if you were alright."

_No, I'm not_, "Yes, I'm fine." _Liar._

"Are you sure?" Kageyama leaned forward, inspecting the smaller male's face, "Ye don't look like it though." f_uck Kageyama and his sharp eyes. Wait, let's not fuck him._

"No, no..." Hinata waved Kageyama's worries out of the door, "...I'm fine. You're worrying about nothing," he picked the towel that lay besides the sink and dried his face, "Go training, the rest is missing you."

"We're missing you as well," Kageyama bluntly said, not even noticing how intense his choice of words was. He just stood there, without flinching while Hinata was suddenly a blushing mess.

"I'll be there, just not training!" Hinata smiled. _Liar_, "I'll come train as soon as captain will let me."

Before the setter could complain more, Hinata pushed him out off the door, "I'll come, I'll come!" he rasured the ravenhead, "Don't worry to much about me!"

He felt like fucking shit.

Hinata quickly washed his face again and followed behind Kageyama, back to the gym. He didn't tell Daichi or Suga a thing, nah, they didn't need to know. Not yet. Eventually, he just sat down on the side lines and cheered for his team.

Dinner was boring for Hinata. He wasn't hungry at all, he hadn't done a thing ever since he came here. Unlike the rest of the team, he just stared at his plate and ate whenever someone pointed out he still had some left on his plate. Shouyou did get a few worried glances from Sugawara and a glare from Kageyama, but he didn't gave them any attention.

It didn't matter. He felt like shit. Nobody cared. Nobody ever would.

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><p>Shouyou could hear himself panting as he tried to catch up with the man in the front of him. He wanted to tell the man to stop, he had the feeling something terrible was about to happen.<br>Shouyou stopped running when he felt something cold touching his skin, it was snowing. Little snowflakes twirled down and and melted when they came in contact with his skin. But that wasn't the only reason Shouyou stopped. The sky suddenly turned red, crimson red. Everything else was black now and Shouyou could hear the bells of the railway crossing ringing. His eyes widened.

In the front of him was a boy sitting in the snow, screaming in terror without a voice. A young boy, about the age of nine with the same red hair as Shouyou. It was Shouyou and suddenly he understood what his young self was screaming. He understood why he had been screaming and he heard it. Suddenly.  
>"Daddy!" the voice of the young boy pierced through his head and it had sounded in utter terror, angst and extreme fear, "Daddy!" the man who had been running in the front of him, was his own father.<p>

The older Shouyou wanted to scream too, because he finally understood what the father of his young self was about to do. He had seen the same thing years ago and he didn't want to see it again. He did not want his young self to end in the same kind of despair he had felt at that time. At the same familiar scene.

Shouyou reached out his head, "Father!" he screamed, but he was voiceless. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he screamed, his voice wouldn't come out. He understood, suddenly, he wasn't actually there. He couldn't do anything, the only thing he could do was watch.

Shouyou was standing on the track. When he stared at his left, he could see his younger self screaming, crying. Behind him was standing the same man, his father.

There was a bright, white light in the front of him. The train was already there. His younger self couldn't bring out a scream anymore and his father didn't move from the track.

Shouyou was standing next to the track again, next to his younger self and watched how the train rushed into their father. Blood spattered on their clothes and Shouyou understood that he could never change the fait of his father.

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><p>Hinata panted and jerked up with a scream. The mix of sweat and tears dripped down his cheeks, to his chin and then on the ground. The redhead gazed around, afraid he woke someone, but he hadn't. Everyone was sound asleep. Peacefully.<br>Fucking damn it.

_Again._ Again he had that awful recap. _Again. Again. Again._

Shouyou shook his duvet off and slowly got up without making too much noise. He needed to get away. He needed to get outside. He couldn't handle the air inside. He needed to get out.  
>The boy stumbled towards the door and shoved it open. He opened a window as soon he reached the hallway and stuck his head outside.<p>

When training was finished, they finally went to camp. For a short moment, Hinata could forget everything he was thinking about. His father… that scene… Kageyama.

_Kageyama._

Why was he so worried about him? Why did Kageyama care about how Hinata felt? Since when did anyone care about his feelings? People only seemed to like him because of his smile, because he was always so happy. People didn't care about his feelings. No one did. So why did Kageyama?

But then again, wasn't that exactly with Shouyou wanted? Someone who really cared for him, someone who actually gave a shit about how he felt. Him and him only. He didn't want to be ignored, he didn't want his feelings to be ignored. He wanted Kageyama to be there for him, the entire team.

His mind drifted off to his father. He remembered the man clearly. Shouyou's father always had been dull, he always shut himself away from the world and had a lot of fights with his wife. Little Shouyou couldn't care less, he was to young to understand, but he did when his father left them. He felt the same pain his father felt, probably, depression.

"Yer gonna catch a cold like that."

Hinata jumped and shoot his gaze to his left. Tobio was standing in the hallway, his hair a horrible mess and his eyes half awake. The setter was holding a hoodie in his hands and threw it to Hinata, "Put it on, dumbass."

Hinata didn't flinch, "What's wrong." his voice was cold, freezing.

"I'm worried," Kageyama simply said and he picked the hoodie from the ground and handed it to Shouyou again, "Put it on."

The spiker took the hoodie and put it on without complaining. It was Kageyama's hoodie, he noticed. The sleeves were too long and the body was as a dress on him.

"Why 're you worried?" the question was out before Hinata could control himself. He didn't want to ask that question, not at all. He didn't want to know why people were worried about him. Did they pity him? Did they think he was pathetic?

"You're acting strange," Kageyama leaned forward to the window and gazed outside. Shouyou noticed how the eyes of the raven head had the same colour as the night sky, "You're not acting like yourself and I can't help you when you don't tell me what is bothering you."

Hinata said nothing, too dazed to say a thing. Since when was Kageyama this understanding?

"Look, if ye don't want to say anything, fine by me," Kageyama turned his gaze to Hinata and stared him right in the eye, "But I do know you're feeling terrible. I do know you need help."

Shouyou shook his head. This was too much for him.

_Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?_ his mind chanted.

"Why?" voiced Hinata, "Why are you doing this?"

Kageyama didn't answer this time and simply returned to look out of the window and watch the stars, "I don't know."

Shouyou shook his head, "I'm fine now," not a lie. He was glad he met Kageyama on the hallway. He really needed someone to talk to, "Let's go back to bed, before the others notice we're gone."

Kageyama didn't look very satisfied with the comment but followed his friend anyway. Time would get the issue out of Hinata, he was sure of it, the redhead just needed a little push in the back.

"What were you doing on the hallway anyway?"

"Restroom," Kageyama answered and he put his hands in his pockets. Damn Hinata, "and you?"

"I had a nightmare."

Damn the cruel world, damn his fucking life. Kageyama knew what was wrong with Hinata. He finally tied all the loose ends together and found an answer- such an obvious answer. Why hadn't he notice? Hinata was dull, his eyes didn't shine, he was always acting cheerful and if nothing was wrong, he had nightmares. Hinata Shouyou was depressed.

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><p><strong>...<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>S<strong>_ometimes, all it takes is one word. One look and than you suddenly know, you suddenly understand what is wrong with them._

_Hinata's depression is partly based on the depression I suffered form, although mine had a different source. It always felt like I was screaming, but that nobody would hear me and it hurt. It hurt a lot. I was always well aware of the fact I had to tell my parents and that they cared about me, but another part of me told I was wrong. Told me nobody cared at all. _

_For everyone who suffers from a depression out there, please go find help if ye don't have it yet. Please, talk to people, hug people. I swear, it helps a lot. _


	3. III

_Hey, hey! Did you hear that? The sound of no school for two weeks! Ha, I've got all the time of the world now so I decided to finish this story in an instant. Please enjoy!  
><em>

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><p><strong>Chapter Three<strong>

* * *

><p>Some things are better left unsaid, Kageyama doubted this was one of them.<p>

He gazed into his bowl of rice. Hinata hadn't joined them for breakfast yet and he was taking an awful long time in the bathroom. The redhead was probably fixing himself up to look at least a bit descent. He was currently the only one to know about Hinata's secret- probably, judging the way others acted around him. It was horrible to keep something like this a secret. He'd rather have told Sugawara and Sawamura immediately, but he couldn't do that. What if Hinata didn't want them to know, want_ him_ to know. Kageyama couldn't imagine how Hinata felt and why he didn't want them to know. Something like this, everyone should know so they could help him. It would be for the best. But telling everyone, he simply didn't know what to do.

"Are you gonna eat that?" Nishinoya's eyes peeked over his shoulders and stared at his bowl hungrily

Kageyama looked up and stared at his senior, "Yes." and he turned away from the libero together with the bowl as he started to work on his breakfast.

Nishinoya just shrugged and sat down on the seat next to Takana. When Kageyama stood up to get refills at the kitchen, the only door opened and Hinata stepped inside, looking even more terrible than usual and not necessary bad. No bags under his eyes, not dull either, just perfectly normal and yet awful. It was fake, and only he knew.

"Ah, Hinata!" Yachi chirped from behind the counter, "You want some rice and eggs?" she asked as she handed him the bowl, "You can get refills whenever you want. We've got plenty." the girl gave Hinata a cheerful smile and he nodded.

"Thank you, Yachi!" he chirped in exact the same manner. He skipped to the table and sat down on the now empty seat of Kageyama and the latter couldn't do more than just watch.

"Hinata's feeling better again, isn't he?" Yachi smiled and she handed him a bowl of fresh rice, "I'm glad. It looks like he'll be able to participate again with you guys."

"Yeah."

_No._ Hinata would most definitely not participate normal until all problems were solved. He might be able to spike again, to play again, but it wouldn't be his full potential and nobody would notice. Because nobody did so before. Even Kageyama.

* * *

><p>As expected, Hinata was able to participate again. He was energetic like before and played as he should, but there was something off and Kageyama knew it. Hinata was cheerful, yes, but he was acting more aloof and distant. The redhead also didn't warm up to anyone. He kept his jaw tight shut whenever someone asked him about yesterday if they did. Nobody else seemed to notice, everybody just seemed to neglect the events that occurred yesterday.<p>

Kageyama wasn't sure if it was on purpose. Maybe they decided to leave Hinata alone so he could solve his own problems, but then again, they didn't know what was going on and heck, even Kageyama wasn't sure after Hinata performed such an formidable act. How could anyone smile like that, how could they talk and laugh like that while they cried their eyes out yesterday? Tobio wasn't sure what to believe, what if it wasn't an act? Maybe, everything what happened yesterday was just a dream and hadn't happened at all. Secretly, he hoped that that was the case, because he didn't want to deal with it. He wanted to close his eyes for it and wish it all away. And Kageyama was sure that Hinata wanted the same thing.

"Great job Hinata!" Tanaka slapped the redhead on his back, "Great to have you back in business, it's different without you."

Hinata giggled, "Sorry 'bout yesterday." he smiled, "I just wasn't feeling very well."

Sugawara turned around and rose an eyebrow, "You sure you're alright now? If you need something, you can always come to us."

Hinata shook his head and sat down on the bench to untie his shoes, "Nah, I'm fine." he said, "I'm fine now..." he added so soft that Kageyama wasn't sure if he heard that right. Was his imagination running wild?

Sugawara shrugged and pulled his sweaty shirt over his head, "Sure..." he wasn't believing it either, was he? Well, together with Kageyama, they were the only ones.

"Oh, Kageyama?"  
>The setter hummed in acknowledgement.<br>"Can I speak to you? I've got something I want to talk about."

"Sure."

* * *

><p>After the second half of practice, close to dinner time, Kageyama pulled on a random hoodie(probably the one he had lent to Hinata earlier) and hurried outside. Sugawara said he'd wait for him near the gymnasium where they could talk in private.<p>

"Ah, Kageyama!" the older setter waved enthusiastically when Kageyama came jogging in, "That's fast."

He smiled, "Yeah… what did you want to talk about?"

Sugawara said nothing and gazed to the ground as his slim fingers played with the blue fabric of his sweater, "No, just some technique…" the words died on his tongue and it was clear he was avoiding the matter, "I wanted to know about that thing you did this afternoon."

So Kageyama explained about what he had done that afternoon. Sugawara chattered back, empty, but he talked nevertheless. After explaining a certain trick, they talked about how rough training had been, how good the food was and how beautiful the weather had been, borth ignoring the elephant in the room.

"So what did you really want to talk about?" Kageyama decided he might as well break the ice. Constantly avoiding the subject wasn't going to get them any further and his mind somehow knew where this conversation was heading.

Sugawara looked at the sky and sighed, "It's about Hinata."

Not entirely unexpected. Not at all, actually.

"What about it?"

The vice-captain looked up and stared right into his eyes, "Don't tell me you haven't noticed." he said, "Hinata has been acting different all week. He couldn't train yesterday and suddenly he's perfectly fine today. That's not normal! That's not okay!"

Kageyama just nodded, not wanting to interrupt him.

"I tried talking about it with Daichi, but he said Hinata needed time. And I don't say Daichi is wrong, because I think time he really what Hinata needs, but what if we give him to much time? Wouldn't it end wrong that way?"

He nodded. He understood Sugawara's worry. Time is what Hinata needed, but giving him to much…? It might be too late then.

"I saw Hinata's tights today, and his upper arms." Suga's voice was suddenly low, as if speaking about a secret that nobody could know about, "I don't know if you have seen, but I did. Thin white lines."

_Scars._

"No."

_Selfharm._

"Goddamnit!"

_No, no, no, nononono!_ This couldn't be true. This was bad, very bad. What if he- No. Kageyama stopped himself thinking about the worst. That couldn't be it. Hinata would never do that. Not ever. He couldn't do that. Nobody should do that.

Sugawara opened his mouth, "I'm worried, but you don't know what to do either, do you?"  
>Kageyama shook his head. Of course he had no idea what to do. What could they do?<p>

"I'm going to ask Takeda, he might know something." Suga continued, "I'll tell you when we can do something." and with that, the setter turned around and returned to the kitchen. Yeah, maybe a teacher knew what to do. It was their job to look after children anyway.

* * *

><p>Kageyama quickly slid into his shirt and sweatpants before he sat down on his futon. He was tired from today and that<p>

wasn't just from the rough training they had. Keeping Hinata's feelings a secret and actually knowing about it, was utterly exhausting. He wanted to shout it, tell everybody to shut the fuck up and help the poor boy, because he needed help. But he couldn't, he couldn't just go and tell everyone even if he wanted to.

"Oi! Ryuu!" Nishinoya shouted, his eyes flaming with energy. It was still a mystery where he got that energy from, "Come over here, you ass! You promised me I'd get your pocky sticks!" Nishinoya rose up from his futon and walked up to Tanaka.

"What is it, Noya?" the bald one asked confused and he looked up to meet Nishinoya's gaze.

Nishinoya jumped on Tanaka and suddenly the two were all over the floor, rolling from futon to futon. There playful hits and kicks while the two rolled around. Sugawara just laughed at them, Daichi looked completely done with the world and the rest just stared at them dumbfounded, not sure how to react. Eventually, Tsukishima decided he was done watching and lay down on his futon, that was until Nishinoya and Tanaka reached his futon. The two bumped into him with quite some force and pushed the poor blonde, Kageyama was starting to feel sorry for him, out of his bed.

"Sorry!" Noya shouted, but it sounded like he didn't mean it, not at all. He probably didn't. Kageyama couldn't care less.

"Fuckers." Tsukishima hissed, "Go play somewhere else, not here. Some people are actually trying to sleep." it wasn't a treat or anything, but his voice definitely made it sound that way.

"Y-yes sir..." the two strolled away, back to their futons. Kageyama doubted that they would play around again. Tsukishima scared the shit out of them and Kageyama silently thanked him for that. He was getting tired from their shit as well.

Suddenly, there was a yelp, stumbling and and a loud thud of someone hitting the ground. Kageyama jerked around and stared at the scene that unfolded right in the front of him.

"Haha!" Tanaka laughed, "Great job, Noya!"

"Shuddup Ryuu!"

Nishinoya had tripped over Hinata's bag and the content of the bag was now shattered across the floor. Clothes, his toothbrush, a cellphone and a transparent orange container with white pills.

Kageyama's eyes widened, and it was as if someone poured ice cold water over his head, those were antidepressants! His heart was beating faster when he slowly rose up from his futon and crawled over to the shattered stuff of Hinata. He picked up the container before anyone else could and held it up in the air. For once, it was quiet and that was rare, considering the company. Someone must have opened a window, because it was way too cold for such a warm room.

"Are those…?" Sugawara didn't get to finish his sentence. The door bursted open and Hinata stepped inside. His red hair was a mess and his eyes were swollen. He cried, but yet his face was wearing the brightest smile.

"What's going on?" he asked confused when he saw his company silent sitting in the room. Hinata's eyes scanned the room, before they finally fell on Kageyama. And at that moment, the air turned heavy; the atmosphere was so heavy it could be dug out with a spoon.

"Hinata..." Sugawara slowly walked to the latter's side, his eyes worried and full of concern, "...are those…?" again he didn't finish his sentence. Suga's worst fears were confirmed.

Hinata kept his jaw clenched and closed his eyes, locking himself away from the world. No. It felt as if fireworks exploded in his stomach, from relieve, followed by an earthquake. Everything seemed to crumble down inside of him until there was nothing left. Running away seemed the only option.

Before anyone could react, he dashed out of the room, basically jumped from the stairs and ran outside. He could hear Kageyama and some others behind him. He heard Daichi shouting for order and Tanaka in panic. They would reject him, wouldn't they? They'd leave him on his own, they wouldn't care. _Nobody_ would. _Nobody_ ever did.

"Hinata!" Kageyama shouted behind him, "Hinata, wait!"

He didn't listen and kept running. He had to get away and never return. He couldn't stay. He didn't want to stay now.

"Go away!" he shouted. But wasn't help and understatement everything he wanted? So why was he running away? Not that he was getting away, a big hand grabbed his shoulders and refained him from running further. Hinata looked up, tears still running down his cheeks.

"Stay." Kageyama commanded him. Hinata didn't even try to run away. It wouldn't help him now, it would never help him. Behind Kageyama, Daichi and Sugawara emerged. They were alone, they probably told the rest to stay in the room and Hinata was grateful for that. He wouldn't be able to stand such humiliation.

"You alright?" dumb question Daichi, of course he wasn't. He wouldn't have run away if he were okay, "Right..."

"Hinata," Sugawara's voice was soothing and warm, "there's no way out but one and that one is opening the door. Tell us, because you aren't alone. You don't need to be alone…" he paused to take a deep breath, "This is your team and you can trust us."

Shouyou shook his head. What was the point? But they were already here, might as well continue, "Are you s-sure you want t-to hear it?"

Suga nodded, "You don't have to tell it now, but whenever you're ready. We don't want to push you." he smiled. A warm feeling spread through Hinata's body. Maybe telling them wasn't such a bad idea, he was sure that they wouldn't turn their backs on him. They would support him. They would help him. All of them, even Tsukishima.

"Let's go back inside." Daichi suggested, "It's getting cold."

* * *

><p>Quickly, the company went back inside, to the kitchen where the others had gathered, holding the steaming mugs of tea Yachi and Shimizu had made them. It was a warm welcome, Hinata noticed, and he hadn't felt so safe in his life before. As soon Hinata sad down, all eyes turned on him, but it didn't made him feel uneasy. He was alright, nobody here would hurt him. He was in good hands and for once, his mind agreed.<p>

"My dad," he started, "was suicidal. I'm not sure why, but mother told me something had happened in his childhood what made him feel like that. There were days he was totally fine and days he locked himself away. One day he took me out for a walk, right before the new year." he stopped for a second to calm down his breathing, "It was snowing and we walked past a railway crossing. He told me to wait there on the road while he passed the fence and stood there on-"

He flinched painful at the memory. Everything was so clear, so vivid. He would never be able to ban that image from his mind. The moment tears started to drip down again, he felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Tanaka was smiling at him.

"-he stood there on the railway when a… when a t-train c-came…" his voice broke into a thousand pieces as he spoke, "He didn't- he didn't j-jump away… away." no words were needed anymore.

The faces across the table were drawn with horror and pain, but mostly horror.

"Shit." Tsukishima spoke, his eyebrows drawn together in an angry frown.

"Hinata..." Suga spoke, "If you don't want to-"

But Hinata shook his head and dried his tears, "I was nine at that t-time and the police was p-pretty sure it was a spur of the mind. He h-hadn't planned it at all, but… but it probably c-clicked when the b-bells of the c-cr-crossing started to ring."

Kageyama closed his eyes painfully. It was worse than he had imagined. Whatever the source was, this shouldn't be the one… and yet it was. Nobody should have seen it, it shouldn't have happened in the first place. Nobody deserved to see what Hinata had seen and especially Hinata hadn't.

"I got really depressed after that." the redhead continued, "But then I found volley, it worked as a light for me although I never really overcame the d-depression. It helped a lot."

Nobody said a thing, nobody dared to say a thing. Who had words to say anyway? This was so fucking intense. But Sawamura was the first to break the silence, doing his job as a captain, "Thanks for… thanks for sharing that with us." he spoke awkwardly, "It's good to know why you acted like that."  
>Sugawara nodded, "We'll help. We'll try to help." he said, "Because I'm not sure what to do," at least he was honest, "but we'll try the best we can. All of us."<p>

Nishinoya and Tanaka nodded as well, "We'll cheer you up Shouyou!" the short one chirped, "You'll never have to cry again."

Hinata looked up and stared at all of his teammates one by one. They were grinning, smiling and it all felt so warm. For the first time in forever, Shouyou's face lit up like the lights in Vegas. For the first time in forever, his smile was honest and pure. Not forced or anything. It was just a normal smile, but a pure one. And finally he understood what real happiness meant.

Sure, it wasn't over yet. He hadn't overcome his depression yet and he still had to take those pills, but things were looking a bit brighter now. As if someone lifted a ton of boulders from his shoulders and it felt honestly amazing. It was great feeling to have such friends on your side. It was a home he could return to when he needed and he finally felt save. Honestly.

* * *

><p><strong>End, well not exactly.<br>**

* * *

><p><em><strong>I<strong> am back again! I won't have school for two weeks so I have all the time to write! _  
><em>Sorry for the sappy ending. I tried to make the best of it but this was the best I could do…<em>

_So this was the 'final' chapter. Well, not exactly. I'll be writing a small epilogue with some more background information. I wasn't satisfied how I wrote out Hinata's past in this chapter so expect another update somewhere this month. It's a promise I'll have it uploaded before the end of this year! About the epilogue, it will be set a couple of years later, but I won't spoil more than that._

_For the shippers: I'm sorry._

_And for everyone: Happy Holidays and make the best for the new year! No matter how bad you feel now, it will all get better someday and that is a promise!_


	4. IV

_I hope you had a nice Christmas! Because I certainly had!  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Four<br>**

* * *

><p>It was a cold winter morning as Shouyou strode towards the graveyard. Fresh snow crisped under the soles of his leather boots. Behind him was Natsu, softly humming her favorite song to herself. Today was exactly thirteen years ago it happened and he hadn't dared to face his problems ever since. He tried a couple of years before, together with Kageyama, but it hadn't exactly turned out well…<p>

"Natsu?" Shouyou stopped in his pace and turned around to see his younger sister. The road was deserted, slippery and completely covered in snow.

The girl hummed in acknowledgement and scooted over to her brother. She had been a newborn when the accident happened, now she was already a beautiful thirteen-and-a-half year old. She took after her brother in volleyball and was about to become the most fabulous setter Karasuno had ever heard of.

"What way now?"

Natsu glanced around, "What way… what way…?" she chanted, "Oh! There is the gate already! We're almost there." she exclaimed.

Shouyou nodded and followed his sister on foot. He was a bit anxious about today, it had been so many years and this was the very first time he actually got this far. That time with Kageyama had been no success and they returned home halfway there.

Today would be different. He was only with his sister (mother had stayed home) and the setting was more peaceful. It was similar to that day, but the sun shin and he wasn't alone this time.  
>"You nervous?" Natsu asked.<p>

"A bit." he sighed, "I don't think dad will appreciate it that I came thirteen years later."  
>Natsu smiled and offered her hand, he gladly took it and the moment he did, a warm feeling spread through his fingers. She had never met their father, he died without knowing her. When she was little, she'd sometimes ask about him but Shouyou never answered. Natsu stopped asking after a while and she never really attempted to do it again. Something he was grateful of.<p>

"I'm sure dad will be happy to finally see you again." she said reassuring, "Besides, mom and I went for you those years you couldn't. We showed him pictures and such."

They walked further, through the gate. Silently the walked between the graves. Offerings were placed everywhere, on each single grave. Sometimes a bottle of sake or some incense and sometimes flowers. They had brought a bottle of sake, their father's favorite and some flowers their mother told them to give. Of course they'd light some incense and-

"We're there." Natsu's voice broke the silence and shattered it into a thousand pieces. Shouyou looked up and stared at the grave in the front of them. It was perfectly maintained. The sun shattered across the marbled gravestone with engravings of their fathers name: Hinata Hikaru

The name was somewhat ironic, Shouyou suddenly noticed and he mentally slapped himself for thinking that.  
>"Hi dad!" Natsu chirped and she bend down as she placed the green bottle next to the stone, "It has been a while, hasn't it? Mom's doing great. She couldn't come today 'cause she was visiting auntie, but she'll come another time."<br>Shouyou said nothing.  
>"We brought you sake… incense of course and these flowers-" she looked up at her brother only to see him shaking up to the bone, "-mom told us to get these." she glanced at her brother again, "And if you're wondering who this man next to me is, he'll come and tell you himself." Natsu jumped up and pulled Shouyou down on his knees so he could face the grave normally.<p>

"H-hullo d-dad..." he stuttered. Oh god, what was he supposed to say? He hadn't showed his face in years so what could he even say? This was ridiculous, "It has b-been a while, h-hasn't it?"

Natsy giggled, "He's Shouyou, remember?" she said, "He was the one on those pictures I showed you. He sure has grown a lot, hasn't he?"

In his head, Shouyou could hear his father say "He sure has!" and then laughter he'd never hear in his life ever again.

"Y-yeah so..." he took a deep breath, "I'm here to apologize I haven't been here in thirteen years. I just couldn't do it, but I tried so many t-times." tears started to sting behind his eyes, "I ser...seriously did and t-today I felt l-like I could finally fa-face you again."

A tear was now slipping past his eyes, down to his cheeks.

"I'm glad I'm f-finally sitting h-here… and I w-wanted to show you something-" he bend down and grabbed something out of his backpack, "-here." he smoothed the sheet of paper and showed it to the grave. The sheet was a bit crumbled, but there was clearly a logo of the Olympic Games on top of it, "I'm going to the Olympics this year." Shouyou smiled, "And you'll have to be watching!"

Suddenly, something sank against him- Natsu- and he felt her softly sobbing against his shoulder. Finally that last part was finished. Her brother could finally have his peace again, not being haunted by those awful memories nobody was supposed to have. Finally.

* * *

><p>Shouyou completely recovered from his depression in the years after he told his friends and teammates. He graduated from Karasuno(although that wasn't the easiest thing to get done) and got a scholarship to one of the better universities in Tokyo as a sport major. There, he was invited in the national team together with his best friend Kageyama Tobio(Maybe boyfriend, Natsu couldn't guess because the two were close naturally) and many more of his old acquaintances.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>End, for real this time<br>**

* * *

><p><em><strong>S<strong>o that was the very last chapter! Sorry for the KageHina shippers, I didn't imply it too much because this isn't a love story but a story about Shouyou. I did imply it a little at the end though, and Natsu's guess is right btw.  
><em>

_Anyway, I wish you all the best for the new year and I'll see you in my next stories! _

_(For the ones that follow my Roses are Black, I'm going to update that one before the end of the year!) _


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